Son: If Grandma is WATCHING ME today, is CHUCKIE THE SCARY DOLL going to be there?

Mom: NO

Son: Your LYING

Mom: Mommy DOESN'T FIB

Son: YES YOU DO...AND YOU CHEAT AT CANDYLAND TOO

A mom at school was chatting yesterday about how her neighbors are expecting their first baby.  I laughed thinking what those neighbors don't know.  The day our first was born, what we didn't know perhaps was good for us. It wasn't long before I found myself uttering phrases I never imagined.   My top 10 are:

1. You can't just pee on anyone's car, only pee on our car

2. Pennies don't go in the CD player, it's not a bank

3. No, it's not OK to touch his penis

4.  Don't drink the mustard

5. The computer mouse is not a racecar, give it back

6.  The violin is not a guitar

7. Underwear is not optional, it's necessary

8. "Goodest" is not a word

9. That's not the neighbors sandbox, it's kitty litter

10.  Yes, all the mannequins have boobies, now put her shirt down

My husband and I left our son, Ben, in the care of his aunt to go on our first vacation without him.  Knowing he would have a hard time sleeping while we were gone, Ben's aunt said "Now that Mom an Dad went on a trip, you're going to have to be brave and sleep all by yourself."  Clearly upset, my son replied "But Daddy isn't brave... he always sleeps with Mommy."

My son fell off the bed after pretending to be Superman and got a small gash on his eyebrow.  As blood streamed down his face, and I tried to stay calm and stop the bleeding.  My son brushed the blood from his face and looked at his hand in amazement.  Bracing myself for the inevitable cries of agony, I was dumbfounded when held up his blood stained hand and said excitedly "Look Mom... red it's my favorite color."

I saw my granddaughter trying to open a medicine bottle and informed her that it was "child proof."  With an astounded look on her face, she asked "How does the bottle know it's me?"

"Oh sugar" a PreK student said in Sunday school.  I asked him "Now why did you say that?"  Looking at me like I should know he replied "Because I can't say sh*t in Sunday School."

The elderly gentelman next door had recently lost is wife.  Upon seeing the man on his porch crying, the 4 year old neighbor boy went into the older man's yard, crawled into his lap and just sat there.  When his mom asked himwhat he said to the older gentleman, the little boy replied "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

After seeing her dad in his underwear for the first time, my two year-old daughter drew the most logical conclusion a two year-old is capable of...  leading her to ask "Did Daddy poop in the front of his pants?"

Dad: When you climb over me, please don't step on my groin.

Max: What's that?

Dad: It's a formal way of saying, um... well, my "peder."

Max: That's funny, I call mine Carl.

After coming home from a Birthday party, my niece looked into her goody bag and said, "Mom, can I have a bite of my Sweet-Ass Fish?  I guess they only call it "Swedish Fish" in Sweden.

I showed my daughter how to say "I love you" in sign language. She said, "I know another sign," as she put up her middle finger.

At dinner, my son asked what veal was, so I told him "Veal is made from baby cows."  He responded "How sad they won't get to grow up to be hamburgers."

I told a boy in my daycare, "I need directions to put this train set together." He turned to me and in all seriousness said, "I have erections... I have erections." 

I was watching a movie with my two sons one night, when my three year-old became agitated.  When I asked him what was wrong, he replied "Mommy, it won't turn off."  Confused, I asked "What won't turn off?"  He stood up in anger and pointed to the "tent' in his underwear.  Of course my older son was rolling on the floor in fits of laughter which only enraged my three year-old more.

My three year-old son recently asked my husband, "How does Santa get in the house?" My husband explained to him "Down the chimney."  Astonished my son said "Well you should break his legs for breaking into the house... Everyone else knocks at the door."

We drove from Florida to Utah which was a very long trip.  We finally made it to Dinosaur National Monument which my son had been waiting to see.  A few minutes into the tour, my son put his hands on his hips and scolded me "It took you so long to get here that now all the dinosaurs are dead."

While at the physician's office for his annual checkup, the doctor asked my son which arm he would like his shot in?"  Without flinching my son responded "Yours."

While teaching an art class, I told the students to draw anything they'd like in class that day.  This, of course, was met with a lot of cheers and excitement.  As I walked around the classroom looking at the students' beautiful drawings of pirates, spaceships, flowers, and rainbows, I was struck by the lack of drawing by one of my best students, Sally.  "What are you drawing?" I asked concerned.  Sally replied "I'm going to draw God."  Trying to make Sally feel better I said "Well, honey, no onereally knows what God looks like."  Sally smiled at me confidently and replied "Well they will in a minute."

Grandma: The dog has a peppermint CANDY CANE STUCK TO HER REAR

Grandaughter: At least it will TASTE GOOD when she LICKS HER BUTT

My son asked his grandma, "Would you like an Oreo?" She explained, "No, if I eat those I'll get fat." My son boldly replied "Go ahead you're already fat."

Dad: Son can you go GET ME A RULER? 

Son: Here's MOM, SHE KNOWS HOW TO RULE

Mom: Your friend shoved a CRAYON IN HIS EAR and had it removed by a doctor...I hope you learn a LESSON from that

Daughter:  WHAT COLOR was the crayon?

My sweet granddaughter asked me one day, "Granny, how old are you?" I said to her, "I'm too old to remember." With a look of satisfaction she said "Do what I do and look in the back of your panties, mine say 5 to 6."

We're at the theater for a performance of Shrek when Shrek says his line in the play, "I smell something."  My three year old leaps out of her seat and shouts, "It's me, Shrek! I pooped my pants!"

My three year-old son exclaimed "Look, princess dresses, I want to be a princess." I informed him that "Boys aren't supposed to be princesses." He seemed a little perplexed and then replied "Okay then I'll be a queen."

My son had a friend over when I was pregnant.  I had to tell the friend that my water broke and I had to go to the hospital.  I later found out he went home and told his parents he had to leave because we were having plumbing problems.

Mom: You need to clean your room.

Daughter: You're not my mom.

Mom: How do you know?

Daughter: Because my real mom would never be so mean.

I was at the Costco checkout line with my three year-old, Hunter, who was just learning to be potty trained.  There were two "manly" men behind us buying Super Bowl provisions.  They engaged in a conversation with Hunter as I unloaded the cart.  Suddenly, I notice the two men are awkwardly looking in every direction but at my son, trying in vain to ignore him as he pointed at them.  Immediately I called Spencer closer and asked him what he said.  Hunter replied "I only said you have a penie and you have a penie." 

This was the note my daughter, Harleigh, left for Santa this year: "Dear Santa, How are you? I am good.  Grammy J. says that I'm an angel, so you will probably be bringing me that collector Dollhouse for Christmas that I want. Mommy says that's a big present. Will it fit in your sleigh? You can bring it the day before Christmas if that would be easier.  I will leave cookies for you and carrots for the reindeer unless Mommy forgets to buy them.  Love Harleigh"

As I watched my 3 year old rub her nose on her sleeve, I said the typcial Mom line to my 3 year old  "Blow  your nose, you have boogers in it."  Only I got a very unexpected reply as the little devil grinned back "No I don't, I already picked them out."

When my daughter was misbehaving, my husband warned "Stop acting up, you know Santa's watching you."  Our five year-old looked him straight in the eye and said "No he's not, Santa is at the mall."

I explained to my son that milk comes from breasts and that's how you feed new babies. He asked, "Can you get candy outta there too?"

I was quizzing my son on animal  noises. When I said, "Cow," he said, "Moooo." When I said, "Tiger," he said, "Grrr!" When I said, "Rabbit," he said, "What's up, Doc?"

"Why do boys have tails?" my daughter asked me recently.  I replied "They don't."  Not satisfied she continued "Have you seen Daddy naked lately?"

One day my five year-old daughter told me her mommy was taking her to her cousin's Bar Mitzvah out of state.  I asked "Do you know what a Bar Mitzvah is?"  She replied confidently "Yes, it's something they do in New Jersey."

My daughter and I took baths together often when she was little.  One time she asked me why her peeps (lady parts) didn't have hair like mine. I explained that when she got older she would be like me.  A few weeks later she was playing in the living room when our long haired cat walked by.  Apparently my daughter grabbed a huge chunk of her the cat's hair and stuffed it in her diaper.  I quickly discovered this fact as she stood proudly with her hands on her hips and announced "My peeps isn't bald no more."

I overheard this conversation between my fourteen year-old daughter and her younger brother: "I'm having problems with my computer" my son said.  My daughter replied "Stop complaining, you're so lucky, when I was your age all we had was dial up."

I told my son he needs to earn extra money to buy more toys. He responded, "Fine, I'm going to sell my sister on Ebay."

At the supermarket, we saw an extremely large body builder type of guy.  Since my son was being potty trained, he was into body parts and how they functioned, especially the private ones.  So he took one look at this huge, muscular guy and said loudly "Look at that big guy, his penis must be huge."

Mom, when I'm grown up and have a wife, we are going to have Happy Meals for lunch everyday that way we can be happy and married.

I asked my second grade class "What are the four seasons?"  One student raised his hand and answered "Salt, Pepper, Mustard, Ketchup."

On a test I gave to my fourth grade class, I asked "What process is used to make water safe to drink?"  One third grader wrote "Filtration makes water safe because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists from the water."

I was leaving Grandma's house when four large deer ran in front of my car.  As my life flashed before my eyes, I hear my little princess saying in awe "Were those Santa's reindeers?"

We were driving when we passed by five police cars in front of a house on our street.  I said to my daughter "Look at all those polics cars near our home."  Unexpectedly, she replied "I guess Dunkin Donuts is empty tonight.

I told my daugher, Izzy, "It's time to clean up your playroom."  Never lacking an excuse, she replied "But Mom, I'm a superhero... and superheros don't clean, they save the world."

Daughter:  Mom what's the name of those people who steal all the money

Mom:  I don't know, do you mean robbers?

Daughter:  No you know the really bad people who are taking all our money...it starts with D I think.

Mom: Democrats?

Daughter: Yeah, that's it.

Since it was around Christmas time, and I teach Sunday School,  I decided to ask the class "Where is Jesus today?"  Steven raised his hand and said "He's in heaven."  Sarah called out "He's in my heart."  And then out of nowhere Michael blurted "I know, he's in our bathroom."  The whole class got very quiet, and I was at a loss of words until I asked "Why did you say that?"  Michael replied "Because I hear my father get up in the morning, bang on the bathroom door and yell "Good lord, are you still in there?"

I was quizzing my daughter on animal sounds the other day.  I asked her "What does a kitty say?"  She responded "Meow."  Next I asked "What does a doggy say?"  She replied "Woof."  Lastly, I tried to trick her by asking "And what does a deer say?"  She exclaimed "Pow, pow!"

After purchasing a warranty for his truck, my husband was extremely upset when it broke down and the broken part wasn't covered.  Frustrated, he yelled "Lifetime warranty my a**."  Our son overheard this and asked "Dad what's a lifetime warranty?"  "It means you get screwed" my husband replied still upset.  My son, who was always getting into trouble and was no stranger to time outs said "Well I guess I get lifetime warranties all the time."

"You're going to clean up the playroom after school," I told my daughter. She responded, "Does Jesus have hands?" When I said yes, she stated, "Then he can do it."

My kids were being particularly rowdy while playing. Worried someone was going to get hurt, I yelled at my son "Stop climbing on your sister or you'll get a time out." Without pausing, my son shot back at me "You're not the boss of me... Mom is."

Mom: Stop fighting with your sister.

Dominick: We're not fighting, Mommy.  We're having aggressive negotiations.

I was babysitting a little boy and getting him ready for a bath in his parent's bathroom when he asked "What's this?" I explained "It's a scale that weighs you." After stepping on the scale and weighing himself he asked "Will you step on it?" So I stepped ont he scale which of course went much higher. Looking down he commented "That's a lot of numbers... I wish I could have that many numbers too."

My daughter was telling me a long story about something I had already about from her teac  Toward the end she said "And do you know what happened next?"  In the mood to tease her, I said "I knwo exactly what happened next" and went on to complete the story.  My daughter just stared in wonderment at me and gasped "Mommy you must be psycho or something." (Psychic)

My son kept staring at the church crucifix as the preacher delivered his sermon.  Finally he tugged at my sleeve and asked "Is that crucifix really God's phone?" "Of course not" I repleid than edded "Who told you that?  "Brian (the brother) did but he said only to use it in case of emergency."

I took my Grandson to our cabin one weekend.  In the evening, he become upset because he began noticing lots of mosquitoes.  I tried to make him feel better by telling him "If we turn the lights off and stay in the cabin we won't attract the mosquitoes. It seemed to work for a few minutes until my Grandson screamed "It's no use...now the they're coming after us with flash lights." (Fireflies)