Dad: Son can you go GET ME A RULER? 

Son: Here's MOM, SHE KNOWS HOW TO RULE

I took my Grandson to our cabin one weekend.  In the evening, he become upset because he began noticing lots of mosquitoes.  I tried to make him feel better by telling him "If we turn the lights off and stay in the cabin we won't attract the mosquitoes. It seemed to work for a few minutes until my Grandson screamed "It's no use...now the they're coming after us with flash lights." (Fireflies)

I asked my class "Do you know what a Hobo is?" One little boy immediately responded "I know I know...it's someone who doesn't have cable."

Little Sister: Why are we in the closet?

Big Sister: We're HIDING from a TORNADO

Little Sister: I DON'T WANT THERE  TO BE A TOMATOE

While studying a unit on family trees, one second grader commented "My grandma is a real-live hillbilly."  So I asked the second grader what hillbilly meant.  Without missing a beat he said "It means you're from Texas."

When I get BIGGER I'll need to MAKE LOTS OF MONEY...so I'm going to work in a FANCY RESTAURANT LIKE PONDEROSA

Teacher:  Yes, sometimes WOMEN'S SHOES HURT them and it MAKES THEM CRABBY

Kindergartener: My DAD IS CRABBY

Teacher: Because of his shoes?

Kindergartener: Nope, JUST BECAUSE OF ME

No I'm NOT A LITTLE TURD (Tired)

Son: If Grandma is WATCHING ME today, is CHUCKIE THE SCARY DOLL going to be there?

Mom: NO

Son: Your LYING

Mom: Mommy DOESN'T FIB

Son: YES YOU DO...AND YOU CHEAT AT CANDYLAND TOO

Aunt: Since you KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT "MEDICINE" mabye you'll be a DOCTOR WHEN YOU GROW UP

Niece:  "No, I'm going to be a JUNGLE GIRL AND WEAR A BOO-KINI" 

At the Bakery getting my son's BIRTHDAY CAKE the girl at the counter asked him HOW OLD HE WAS.  My son replied "I'm 18 & an ADULT.  My younger son added, "Yeah and Mommy says HE'S A S-O-B.  I explained that my older son is CONSTANTLY TRYING TO GET PERMISSION to do things by reasoning that HE'S AN ADULT  So my response to him is that IF HE'S AN ADULT, HE NEEDS TO GET A J-O-B  (Not a S-O-B)